Yes - There is Life After Divorce
If you have been married, or lived together in a committed relationship, you are not nave about love and relationships. You know that a successful relationship is based on much more than physical attraction. It is based on common goals, values and beliefs. Successful relationships have a foundation of continual communication, respect and support for each other.
It is my goal through this series to prepare you not just for a relationship, but to allow a spiritual partner into your life. Some people call this finding your “soulmate”. In this relationship, you will not be asking the question, “what can you do for me”, but “what can I do for you!” You will gain great joy from being loving and giving, and your partner will feel the same way! That does NOT mean there will be no challenges. In fact, when you ask for your soul mate or a spiritual partner, that usually means spiritual growth…and that means constantly looking at yourself, evaluating your behavior, and making positive changes!
The number 1 fear I have witnessed in people thinking about starting a new relationship is the fear of falling in love and getting hurt again. If trust is an issue for you, then your goal is to learn how to trust yourself (not the other person) that no matter what happens, you can handle it! This means letting go of the unrealistic attempt to CONTROL the outcome of the relationship. Your new mantra has to be, “whatever happens…I can handle it!”
Are you really ready to date? Take this readiness test to see if you are ready to allow a new partner into your life:
Answer each question true or false
1. I have been divorced at least 6 months, or separated more than 1 year.
2. Any victimization feeling I had during my divorce has subsided.
3. I have taken responsibility for my divorce, and I have taken appropriate steps to recognize my part in the divorce and did the necessary work to make sure those particular behaviors/beliefs or actions to not recur in my next relationship.
4. I have dealt with the loss of dreams and future visions I had in my last relationship.
5. I now feel neutral towards my ex-partner.
6. I can put my children’s needs ahead of my own feelings towards my ex.
7. I have forgiven my previous partner.
8. I have forgiven myself for my part in the creation of our problems.
9. I know what my values and beliefs are, and I feel confident in myself.
10. I like myself; I just feel that my life would be even more fulfilled if I had someone to share it with.
If you answered true to 8 or more questions, then you are ready to date and seek your spiritual partner. If you honestly answered false to three or more of these questions, then it is time to work on yourself, hire a counselor or coach, attend a self-help group, or purchase some good books on self-growth after divorce . It is important for you to first become the person you want to be, who will then attract the person you want in your life.
For example, let’s say you want a person who is financially stable. This is important to you because during your last relationship, you had to file bankruptcy and that was emotionally difficult for you and you do not want to ever go through that again. As a coach I would ask you to examine your own beliefs around money and wealth.
What did you learn from your parents about finances?
Did you grow up feeling there would never be enough?
Did you play that out during your marriage by bringing your “never enough” beliefs to that relationship?
Did you attract the person you most feared, someone who was irresponsible with money?
Now, you don’t want to attract or create the same difficult financial situation with a new partner. So you must ask yourself, what is my current belief around manifesting abundance? If you are still stuck in the “not enough” place, then you will NOT attract financial stability into your life! I recommend that you work on releasing your fears around those issues. That is what I mean by working on any left over issues from the previous relationship before you can move forward in a really healthy way.
More food for thought: Have you dealt with your feelings around this transition in your life? Did you know that divorce is in the top 5 main stressors you can have in your life? It is normal to have experienced many tough feelings and emotions during this time period, such as loss, fear, resentment, doubt, anxiety, confusion, distrust, and feelings of being unproductive. Before you move on, it is necessary for you to have recognized and dealt with these feelings as they came up. Did you do that?
If you did the work I hope you did in the time period following your separation or divorce, and you know the answers to these questions:
~ What are the gifts of your relationship?
~ What did you learn?
~ What are you most thankful for?
My bet is that you are ready to start dating!
Now, as you get ready to date, it is important that your feelings be in the ballpark of anticipation, energized, confidence, satisfaction, focus and creativity. In my book, Transcend Through Divorce, my very first guideline is “Listen to others and then listen to your Intuition”. This is important because everyone you know is an expert on divorce and relationships and they are all ready to give you advice. In my 18 years as a family law attorney, I have heard some crazy advice! And I can tell you that people who listen to their own inner voice grow through divorce quicker than those who listen to everyone else. What is your own inner voice telling you about dating? Are you ready? Ask yourself, “why do I want to date? Am I only looking to date so that I can feel better about myself?” I have seen many people choose the dating route and get caught up in lustful feelings… because truthfully, it does feel good. In fact, it feels great to have someone in your life who thinks you are the greatest. But if it is only about lust, it is temporary…and what I want you for is the ability to create a conscious partnership.
If you have taken the path of self-growth after your last relationship and you are clear about your part in the divorce or breakup, you have forgiven your ex and you passed the readiness test, and you are able to articulate the gifts from your relationship and your intuition tells you YES!, then you are ready to start dating… go forth and be brave! Remember, have fun, be trusting (that does not mean be nave), be loving and KNOW that whatever comes your way, can handle it!
About Lori Rubenstein:
Family Law Attorney for 18 years
Certified Professional and Personal Life Coach…3 years
Co-Author of the best seller, Wake Up…Live the Life you Love!
Currently writing “Transcend Through Divorce”
Teacher of numerous classes, workshops and retreats, including “Dare To Transcend Through Divorce”, Facing your Fears, and Step-Up and Start Playing Big!
Lori Rubenstein, Dare to Transcend ©
© Yes, There is Life After Divorce. This article may be copied or distributed as long as it is used in its entirety and the author’s information is included.
